It has been so long since I last posted, and my memory is so unreliable that I won't be able to recover what I've lost. The best I can do is an update from last week.

Monday night/Tuesday morning: I got up early to go to the gym, and discovered a flat tire on my car. Excellent. It was so flat. I had apparently picked up a nail somewhere. So I had to remove the wheel and get my dad to drive me to the tire place, where they patched the tire for free (because I had bought the tires there). The guy behind the desk was cranky. He was going to charge me ($25). When we asked if I had to pay even though I had bought the tires there, he snarked back "Well, I can't read minds! How was I supposed to know you'd bought the tires here!" I don't know. Maybe you should recognize your product and maybe ask.

Wednesday: Because I'm at school, my parents must phone me and leave a frantic message. "Something's wrong with Sunny (the dog, not my cousin, who has the same name and, well...that's uncomfortable)." So I phoned them back to find out what was going on. See, the backstory to this is that the Sunny (the dog) was sick last week. While I was in Seattle on Friday, my mother phoned me: "Where are you?", she asked with a bit of panic in her voice. "Um, in Seattle, like I told you," I answered, thinking that it was about 8pm...surely she couldn't have just noticed that I'd been gone all day. "Well, I know that, " (okay, so she's not crazy or suffering from Alzheimer's) but I was just wondering if you were close by. Sunny's been sick all day. I think that he misses you." Wow, long-distance guilt...and on my dime. Thanks, mom. Love you, too.

So when this happened on Wednesday, I thought that he was throwing up again (sorry for the brutal reality). No, this time it was something different. I got to hear the details after they had returned from the vet. "Sunny was walking funny, so we looked him over and saw that his privates were swollen. So we rushed him to the vet." Great, I'm thinking, that's like the fourth time in the last week. But this time, when they talked to the vet, he had an answer. He asked them "Do you know what time of year it is?" Of course, they had no idea. "You know," he said, "it's Spring." Still no clue. "The female dogs are in heat." At this point, I clued in...he was sporting tiny dog wood. But not the parents. The poor doctor had to spell it out for them in detail. "Sunny's probably catching some sniffs of the female dogs and is excited." Then they got it. Thank god.

When I told my friend this story, she asked if my parents have one of those frequent customer cards for the vet. Come in for 5 visits and get the 6th one free.

Thursday: "Work" day at alive. There, I got bombarded with requests and duties. And because I'm there once a week, and because I'm still doing this stupid makeover thing, there's a lot of catching up to do. I'm considering printing up a t-shirt: "I'm still fat and I'm pissed about it. That's how I'm doing." But they all mean well, so I shouldn't complain.

I had a good conversation with the Director of Marketing. I found out that she often posts controversial comments in the discussion forum just to see if she can get people interested. In fact, she posted one really contentious comment which I actually had a mini meeting about with Terry-Lynn and Susan to see how they thought I should handle it. After hearing of this tactic, I immediately thought of this crazy lady I saw on a talk show years ago. She was proclaiming the health benefits of drinking your own urine. She then shot down a glass of her own pee, shocking the host into incredulous silence. I sent D of M an email asking what she thought...should I post a comment on that topic? She double-dared me. So, yay...I finally figured out how to have some fun with that.

And I invite you all to do the same. D of M said that she has posted about crazy fad diets (lemon juice and maple syrup) just to see what kinds of responses she gets. Fun!

Also on Thursday, I was reminded that the final installment for the life makeover series was due the previous week (whooops!), and at the same time, they asked me to write another article. Hmmmm, I don't even have time for the original assignment. What are the chances I'll be able to do the extra one? Then again, it's money.

Friday: After being confronted by my own stupidity (if you're going to school to work on a project, you should probably bring the stuff you need to work on the project), I spent an enjoyable evening listening at the Pearls reading night. My classmates were awesome. The others kind of stank up the joint. Army dude: you really lost me. Retired guy: your voice is not suited for readings...it's mind-numbing. Girl who won the award: a little too much with the clever references. The rest I can't remember. The popcorn twists were good.

And that was my week. When I started this post, it was snowing. It has now (thankfully) stopped.

I could blog about the ayurvedic svedana (no, that's not a typo) from last night. Here's a hint: she oiled me, she steamed me, and then she beat the crap out of me with a brush. It was...different.

Instead, I'm going to share an email conversation that transpired between me and a classmate. He shall remain nameless, but I'm certain that everyone will know who it is.

The conversation started because Kathleen, another classmate, has apparently broken her arm. I emailed classmate #1 (hereby referred to as "classmate") to let him know. Each email consisted of a single word/line response.

Me: Apparently Kathleen has broken (or shattered) her arm and is in the hospital waiting for surgery.

Classmate:
Jesus.

Me:
I had no idea that you are a religious-type person.

Classmate:
I'm not, but Kathleen is. I was just surprised that Jesus broke her arm.

That, my friends, is comedy.

(This post was from yesterday. I thought that I had posted it, but I had apparently hit "save as draft instead. What does that say about me, that I can't tell the difference between 3 words and 1 word? Maybe that I won't be a good proofreader.)

I'm a miserable, miserable, petty, miserable person.

Today, my dad was feeling pretty good, so we thought that we'd take him out for breakfast...his favourite meal of the day. He's one of those folks who like fried eggs, fried sausages, fried potatoes, and if he could have it, fried toast. Thankfully, we aren't in Great Britain, where translucent, bacon-fat fried crispy bread is a breakfast staple.

So because my mother had a coupon (they rule my parent's lives...they wouldn't know what to eat or buy without them), we went to De Dutch. We had to wait, which is unusual because it's Saturday. And while we were waiting, we were sequestered with a family of incompetent dad, invisible older son (think 8 years old), and extremely visible and audible younger son. Oh, and the overly eager uncle. These kids were coughing and hacking all over the place, which almost always puts me off my food. Therefore, I was pissed because I really wanted a pancake.

Then, we got sat next to them. Great. We had ringside seats to view the younger kid's outbreaks. He reminded me of Stephanie Weir's "Dot" character on Mad TV. The only difference was that the dad did not give a shit what the kid was doing. Cutlery was flying. The kid was screeching (and he was safely old enough to be able to "use his words"). And after he got his breakfast, icing sugar and bits of pancake were flying, too. The older boy quietly at his toast. Poor kid is going to grow up so dysfunctional.

The worst part was that I couldn't even look away from this scene because dead center in front of me was a nauseating young couple. I knew that they were going to piss me off when I saw that they hadn't sat across from each other (like normal people do in anything but the most romantic, darkly lit, private, expensive, exotic restaurants), but sat next to each other FACING ME. It was almost as if they had read my mind and were mocking me. I had to choke down my delicious pancake while trying to ignore them feeding each other (GAG!) and using each other as human vacuums/groomers, kissing morsels off each other's faces (FUCK OFF RIGHT NOW!).

And despite their efforts (because I'm certain that they caught on that they were bugging me and started doing it more just to piss me off), I held it together, choked down my pancake, and made it home without getting sick. So who's the better person now?

It's dangerous to give maikopunk a ride home from school. Even though the ride lasts for just a few minutes, she does her best to earn her "EvilXine" nickname. Twice, recently, she has hypothesized about a certain classmates possible proclivity (it's a word...look it up) for nudity. I'm not sure if maiko's goal is to force me off the road, but she's nearly succeeded both times this topic has been discussed. Today's discussion led me to ponder if 'certain classmate' has written a story called "Saddle Sores". OUCH!

All this talk, inside and outside the car, in the hallways, in the washrooms, in the workroom and computer labs, has led me to believe that we are getting closer and closer to the breaking point. Something or someone is going to give, and there will be a PRFU shakedown like no other, and our happy little group will fraction off into separate groups.

I have no need to worry. I like my little group of evil-doers. And besides, we've devised a little game to pass the time.

BINGO!

I wasn't going to do this again this year, but I can't not.

Today is the day that, four years ago, my sister died of skin cancer. She was too young and died needlessly.

I've added a few photos this year. The first one was taken during our first trip to Disneyland. I believe that we were on the Storybookland Boats (or something like that).

The second two were taken, well, 14 years ago, when we went to Walt Disney World with a friend. The photo on the left was taken on the riverboat; the photo on the right was taken on the

gondola. We were wearing awesome sunglasses (and I had hair).

I don't know if we were wearing sunscreen in any of these photos. Please make sure that you do.

Roxanne Darlene Klettke Fuchs

June 3, 1968 - February 6, 2003